Motherhood Is Challenging As F*ck

No matter what you see in films or read in books, or whatever your friends or parents tell you, motherhood is challenging as fuck. Period.

Who says otherwise is in deep denial or is flat-out lying to you (or they have a live-in 24/7 available nanny).

I recently had a group chat conversation with a few childless friends to whom I reached out to share some photos of my daughter wearing the clothes they had bought her. 

The conversation went something like this.

Friend 1: "Awww, she looks cute and she can now walk! How adorable."

Me: "Oh yeah, she had perfected walking and now I have a runner on my hands. She has a tendency to touch everything. Just the other day I was one second almost too late preventing her from licking bird shit."

Friend 2: "It must be wonderful to see her grow and learn."

Me: "Yes, it is wonderful to see her learn new things. But motherhood is challenging as fuck. I mean, sometimes I just wish for a few solo moments so I could pee without her looking at me."

Before I went on maternity leave, people (parents mostly) would tell me how rewarding but also challenging it would be to become a mother. For the first few months, I mostly experienced the challenging part. What an understatement it was. Suddenly my life changed over night, there was no gap in between being a stress-free adult and being a stressed-out new mom. I knew my life would change but I didn't appreciate it until it actually happened. I was experiencing a mild postpartum depression (which no one really warned me about but now I know it is very common). While trying not to drown in the cocktail of hormonal imbalance having a party in my brain and re-learning how to use a toilet while everything hurt in my genital area, I suddenly had to learn to take care of a fragile newborn. Changing diapers was easy but no one warned me how painful breastfeeding could be for the first two weeks. I had a bloody circle around each of my nipples as the little vampire I had stuck to my breasts tried to suck blood, I mean milk, out of me. 

What a roller-coaster that was. Then things calmed down, luckily. Despite receiving tremendous help from my partner and my mother who stayed with us for two months, I felt like I was in it  alone because no matter how much help you get, at the end of the day (or night), it's still you waking up to a hungry, crying baby. No one else can breastfeed your little one for you. And even if you bottle feed and technically can delegate late night/early morning feeding sessions to your partner, the little kahuna will still want you on the job. 

It's unfathomable to those who haven't gone through this how challenging it actually is to be a parent. The pregnancy and labour are extremely easy in comparison to what comes next. The constant stress, worry, fear, sleep deprivation, lack of privacy, fewer adult friends and almost no social life outside of the baby related bubble. 

The worst part is the guilt. I constantly feel guilty that I'm not doing a good job as a mother. Whenever I snap at my daughter, when I am not all smiles and easy-going because I'm hungry, irritated or just can't stand a yelling toddler anymore. Motherhood is no joke and it never ends. Your needs come second, I don't mean just basic needs like eating or going to the bathroom, I mean needs for solitude (a little "me-time"), adult conversations etc., that all goes out the window. And then you have the lovely responsibility of raising a good, independent human being. That probably scares me most - how to raise a decent human being that won't require therapy in twenty years because her mom sometimes lost her shit. 

Now in retrospect, I can attest that as much as it is challenging, it is also rewarding. Plus, I am learning a lot about patience, which is a definite plus. But it is a lot of work and probably not for those with a heart condition. It is truly amazing to see a tiny human being grow and learn new things every day. I have a support of my partner, without whom I would be already without doubt on crazy pills. Also, I have the luxury of being able to take paid maternity leave. I have no idea how single parents do it or how I will go about juggling a full time job of taking care of a kid while keeping my full-time corporate gig on the side. But for now, I am taking small steps and don't think about the future too much. 

If you are a struggling mom (or parent), just be kind to yourself. As long as you have managed to keep your child alive and fed, you're doing aces in my books. And that nagging feeling "why on earth did I decide to have a child" will eventually go away.